From Anxious to Awesome: Guiding Teens Through Social Challenges

Sarah

Hey everyone, welcome back to The Well: Your Parent Resource Library. I’m Dr. Sarah Olivo—joined once again by the amazing Karen Mitchell. Karen, ready to ride the social rollercoaster with me today?

Karen Mitchell

Absolutely, Sarah. I feel like adolescence is pretty much one big carnival ride anyway—so let’s buckle in! We’re diving into the world of teen friendships and all those highs and lows that come with it. I remember we got so many questions last episode about school avoidance—so this almost feels like the flip side, right?

Sarah

Exactly. And it’s funny, because just the other day my own middle schooler had a friendship crisis—full meltdown, tears, the works. By the next morning? They were friends again. So I was like, okay, this is officially a rollercoaster, and it’s normal. And actually, research tells us that friendship changes, mood swings, the drama—these are all par for the course…not just for neurotypical teens, but for neurodiverse kids too.

Karen Mitchell

For sure. I hear a lot from parents who worry that their teens don’t have a “big friend group” or they’re not always out socializing. There’s this myth that having tons of friends or being super outgoing is some kind of gold standard. But honestly, that’s just not true for most kids.

Sarah

Nope. And, actually, the myth that popularity leads to happiness? That one gets teens and parents tangled up. Some studies show there’s really no direct link between being “popular” and being happy—sometimes it’s the opposite! And don’t get me started on the “spotlight effect”—that feeling teens have that EVERYONE is watching and judging them. In truth, most kids are just anxious about how THEY’RE coming across. Everyone’s too busy with their own worries to be scrutinizing other people’s every move.

Karen Mitchell

I love that perspective. I worked with this one student who was always convinced everyone noticed whenever he made the tiniest mistake. Turns out, he asked around and most people barely remembered. It was such an AHA moment! But I get it, when you’re in those years, emotions run higher. The intensity is wild. You ever get that sense, Sarah, that adults forget just how consuming those little social moments feel?

Sarah

Oh, ALL the time. And, just so parents out there know—they really don’t need to panic every time a friendship shifts or there’s drama. Change is normal, especially with so much cognitive and emotional growth happening. I mean, it’s messy…but that’s adolescence. And, let’s be honest, it’s that rollercoaster that helps teens learn how to handle future bumps in the road—neurodiverse or not. The main thing: don’t measure your teen’s “success” by the size of their friend group or how “popular” they seem. Sometimes less really is more.

Karen Mitchell

Okay, so if big friendship shifts and a little drama are normal, how do we help when a teen’s stuck on social anxiety? And Sarah, you’re always talking about helping kids get unstuck, especially with evidence-based skills. Where do you start?

Sarah

Yeah! Well, first, I think parents need to realize you don’t need a therapist voice for this stuff. You can model that vulnerability—so, like, share your own awkward moments. When I talk to my own kids, I’ll say things like, “Ugh, I was sure everyone noticed when I stumbled on my words at that meeting.” Just showing you get flustered sometimes helps normalize it. We don’t have to come in and fix everything! Sometimes it’s just about showing that anxiety is normal and temporary.

Karen Mitchell

Right, and I think sometimes the urge as a parent or even as an educator is to leap right to “solving the problem.” But it’s so much more powerful just to validate how hard it feels in the moment. I always advise staff I coach to use open-ended prompts: like, “That sounds really tough—what do you want to do about it?” instead of jumping to, “Well, have you tried…?”

Sarah

Yes! And another favorite is helping kids “externalize” their anxiety—teaching them to say, “Wow, my worry brain is really busy today,” so they see it’s a feeling, not a fact. There’s this one middle school girl I worked with—she kept a feelings log after every hangout with friends. It turned out she always felt worse after hanging out with a certain group but better with another. Tracking it actually helped her steer toward healthier connections, and she started making more positive choices with her social energy.

Karen Mitchell

That’s such a great strategy. I love the idea of inviting kids to step back and consider, “When have you gone through something like this and come out okay?” Or, “Could there be more than one way to look at what happened?” It’s classic cognitive behavioral perspective coaching. The trick is not to lecture, but to nudge, right?

Sarah

So Karen, this is the parental tightrope walk: knowing when to intervene and when to step back. I mean, there’s this urge to jump in every time, but most of the time, the real magic happens when we treat ourselves as consultants, not managers. What do you think?

Karen Mitchell

Totally agree. One of the most useful ideas I’ve come across in my consulting work is the “friendship frame.” It’s about helping kids define what good friendships look like—and, crucially, letting them know they have permission to ‘edit’ friendships that aren’t serving them. I’ve worked with paraprofessionals who helped teens write out what they want from friends versus what doesn’t feel good, and then practice saying, “It’s okay to move closer or further away from certain people, without guilt.”

Sarah

I love that—and learning that friendships can change isn’t failure, it’s growth. For some kids, especially neurodiverse teens, social “signaling” can be really tough. Practicing simple things—open body language, a half-smile, showing curiosity—these are tiny social signals that invite connection. And conversation starters, even basic ones, can help them get their foot in the door with new groups.

Karen Mitchell

Yes! Honestly, sometimes just making eye contact or offering a compliment is huge. I supported a school team that did micro-practice with scripts—like, “What’s up?” or “I like your backpack”—which sounds so simple to adults but can feel like Everest for teens struggling with anxiety or social skill differences. And we always remind them: mistakes will happen. Social mishaps are the norm, not the exception.

Sarah

And that’s how you build “social immunity”—not by avoiding risks, but by living through a little awkwardness, learning to recover, and realizing life moves on. For parents, it’s so hard not to swing to either extreme: hovering, or backing away entirely. But kids gain self-efficacy when we coach gently, encourage them to try again, and let them know we trust them to navigate even the messier parts.